Starting Over

Life has certainly changed for me in the last couple of years. Losing my step son, my best girlfriend, my husband and my job in relatively short order has changed my perspective. I've been in "hibernation" mode (mentally) pretty much for the last two years,and have just begun to awaken. Time to start something new, to do something new.The seed that has lain dormant, almost dead, has finally been touched by a shaft of sunlight, the faintest bit of warmth, and the beginnings of some roots are starting to emerge from the core. Big plans. Can I follow through? Hope so! Tis the holiday season, and I can't say that I have a whole lot of spirit, but I am coping. Last night out to dinner with my sister and another couple, then on to the city symphony for a night of holiday favorites including vocals by a NYC soprano and a special choral group. Today it was the 4th Sunday series (yes I know, it's really the 3rd Sunday of December!) and again, a dozen acapella singers performing in a city church. This cathedral is downright amazing, tucked away in the old, very run down poor section of the city. It has stained glass windows that were originally on display at a turn of the century Chicago World's Fair (now quite priceless), soaring vaulted ceilings with fabulous acoustics, hard narrow wooden pews that ensure wakefulness, and beautifully gold gilt altars and statuary. Even a non-churchy person like myself can appreciate the beauty and peacefulness of this sanctuary. The cathedral does a historical tour on the second Sunday of the month, and one of these days BFF and I will manage to get there for that. Went food shopping this morning. Still making plans to begin the Whole 30 with the new year and reading a LOT of food labels in the process. I know new year's resolutions are so cliche, but with all the holiday parties and events, it was too much to figure out what I could eat and what I couldn't eat before the end of the year. January is so much quieter; usually cold and dark and snowy, and we stay in and act like bears whenever possible. Along with the cleaning up my diet plans, I've been looking at some other blogs about cleaning up the house, clearing the clutter and living more simply - all goals of mine on which progress has halted since losing DH. I guess I'm ready to start building a new life for myself, and it first begins with getting rid of the excess. I have a vision of how I want things to be; it's really a matter of taking things a little at a time until eventually I can turn around and see that I've actually made some progress. First on the list is getting ready for Thursday and Friday. And since I have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - that only leaves evenings. Went looking for my tree today in the cave of the basement, but it appears to be hidden away somewhere. Hmmmm. I did finally shut off the water to the outside faucet today while I was down there - that's been on my list for awhile. It's early evening yet. I may take some dinner upstairs to the TV room and watch our most favorite holiday movie called "The Christmas Card". I know it will make me cry to watch it without DH by my side, but things are kind of messy in there, and I was thinking that I could distract myself by cleaning up the mess. That ought to serve as enough of a distraction. I suppose I should tell you I have only watched perhaps one or two movies in the two plus years since DH has been gone. That room holds so many memories, and I can feel his presence very potently. I know it is time to start moving on. I began when I got rid of DH's lounge chair last week (gave it to a newly divorced neighbor). I've been searching for tall bookshelves to hold my DVD and BOCD collections, trying to decide if I can (or should) repurpose some from another area of the house, or buy new ones. There are more objects to be removed (permanently) from the room: an old TV, some old video equipment, a couple of guitars, some other furniture. Then I can paint the ceiling and walls, rearrange the remaining furniture and enjoy. Hopefully the new decorating will help to purge some of the memories and I can reclaim the space for reading, sewing and entertainment. That is my January project! Hunger is calling me to the kitchen now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Recipe: Pesto Pinwheels

Making the transition to vegetarianism has been a bit of a challenge from both a time and a monetary perspective. While we are committed to the changes, and strongly motivated by the expectation that it will improve the H-man's chances of beating the cancer, the practicalities of changing the way we cook and eat haven't been all that easy. I have been gradually cleaning out the pantry, the fridge and cabinets, getting rid of foods that are no longer viable options for us. Who needs relish when we no longer eat hot dogs? Ditto for the sugar laden BBQ sauce that the H-man liked as a dipping sauce for pork.

Some decisions are easy; others much harder. Call it rationalization if you like, but we are consuming some "marginal" items which will be replaced with better alternatives in the future. One of these items was a package of puff pastry sheets in my freezer. Very low in sugar, though not made with whole wheat, I used it as the basis for something the H-man went crazy over. While he hasn't suffered any of the traditional nausea that plagues chemo patients (and I believe his dietary changes, positive attitude and overall health play a major part here), it is still important for us to keep his body well fueled. Facing a life crisis like cancer is a big deal both physically and emotionally. My goal is to feed not only his body but his spirit as well, and these little babies did it (even if they aren't "diet perfect" - yet!).

All summer I grew and used fresh basil abundantly. Now that colder weather has settled into our northern latitude, I am forced to try and keep plants alive indoors or buy fresh at the grocers. While I may use the basil in any number of ways, our favorite is of course in Pesto. I rarely use a recipe or measurements, but rather make it based on how much basil I can harvest or buy at the time. The smell of basil wafting through the house is enough to make the H-man come running, tongue hanging out, salivating. So here's a recipe I created based on what I had available. I will try it again in the future with a whole wheat filo dough if I can find some.

PESTO PINWHEELS

Ingredients
about 2 cups (more or less) fresh basil leaves (one large hydroponic batch from the grocery store should do it)
1 or 2 cloves garlic, peeled, cut into quarters
olive oil (fresh, EVOO, the best you can afford)
about 1/2 cup fresh, grated parmigiana reggiano, Parmesan or pecorino Romano cheese (not the Parmesan stuff that comes in a can....)
about 1/2 cup nuts (pignolias or pine nuts, almonds or walnuts)
1/2 package (1 sheet) puff pastry, defrosted overnight in the fridge

NOTE: Pignolias - also called pine nuts - have come under attack recently. The US crops have suffered some losses, and prices have risen to upwards of $35 per pound. Imported nuts, while less costly, have been infected with salmonella. Though I am a purist at heart and have always made my pesto with pignolias in the past, I find it prudent to steer clear of them right now, and have substituted other nuts with no significant loss of overall taste.

Directions

• Heat a small skillet over medium heat - do not add oil or any kind of cooking spray! When the pan is warm, add the nuts. Shake the pan every 30 seconds or so, until the nuts are toasted and lightly browned. Remove from heat and let the nuts cool completely before adding to the pesto. NOTE: While you can skip this step and use raw nuts, toasting the nuts brings out more flavors and helps "refresh" slightly stale nuts.


• Add the garlic to a food processor and process until finely chopped


• Add the basil and continue to process until well chopped


• Alternately add the oil and cheese until basil is finely chopped and it is the consistency of a thick paste. (Pesto consistency depends on its ultimate use - for pasta, it might be thinner, but for these delights, it should be a little on the thicker side. That means a little more cheese and nuts, a little less oil.)


• Add the nuts and pulse into they are incorporated into the pesto, but not completely minced.


• Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.


• Lay out the pastry sheet and roll out to smooth the dough and make slightly larger


• Spread the pesto over the dough all the way to the side and bottom edges. Leave about 3/4" at the top of the dough without pesto.


• Starting at the bottom, roll up. Spread a little water across the dough at the top (the part without the pesto) so it will adhere to the roll.


• Slice the roll into quarters, then slice each quarter into three or four slices - for a total of 12 to 16 slices.


• Lay slices flat on a parchment lined (or silicon lined) baking sheet. Since they tend to "flatten" when sliced, so I round them up a bit as a lay them on the cookie sheet.


• Bake about 15 minutes until pastry is cooked, light brown and "flaky" in appearance.


• Serve hot, warm or cold. To retain the crispy texture, it is best to reheat in oven rather than microwave.

I served them with a large salad, but they'd go equally well with a bowl of soup or as an appetizer. And walnuts are a very heart healthy protein! Enjoy!

Recipe: Peanut Sesame Stir Fry

Relationships with partner/family/friends, working full time, commitments to several evening groups, upkeep on a house and yard, and several hobbies keep me busy and on the go all the time. To feed us, I had come to rely on "prepared" food - you know, things that come out of boxes, bags and cans. Sure, I also served lots of veggies and fruit with those meals, but it was a quicker (and lazier) way to cook. With the H-man's cancer diagnosis, we decided to permanently alter our lifestyle and our eating habits in a major way. The transition to vegetarianism, so far, has been one of experimentation to find meals we really like without feeling deprived.

One of our favorites was a (packaged) thai peanut dish that unfortunately, contained a lot of sugar. Since that is one of the main components we eliminated from our diets, I looked for a healthier alternative. While I am now cooking mostly from scratch, there are still times when I need a "quickie" dish, and I found one that seems like a better alternative. Yes, there is still a bit of sugar in it, but only about 1/3 of the original brand, and since we eat smaller servings than the package calls for, it is even less. So here is my version of:

PEANUT SESAME STIR FRY

Ingredients
1 box Annie Chun's Peanut Sesame Asian Meal Starter
1 TBS olive oil
2 teaspoons sesame oil
1-3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
8-oz. package fresh sliced mushrooms (or 1 can mushrooms, rinsed and drained)
1 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 to 2 bunches green onions (scallions), green and white parts, chopped
1/2 cup chopped peanuts

Directions

1. Chop all vegetables in preparation.


2. Bring about 3 quarts water to boil. Add noodles and boil about 5 minutes, or until tender. Drain well.


3. While noodles boil, heat saute pan on medium (never hotter!). When the pan is hot, add oils. When the oils start to "shimmer", add the garlic, peppers and mushrooms. Stir fry for a 2-3 minutes, then add the scallions and stir fry another minute or two. (Scallions will get very limp and almost "disappear" if cooked too long - we like ours firmer).


4. Add the cooked, drained noodles and the sauce packet to vegetables and stir until well mixed and sauce is heated through.


5. Add about half the peanuts and mix well.


6. Serve, topping with remaining peanuts.
   

Wake Up Call

It's been exactly one month since we got the news that the H-man has the dreaded cancer! Talk about wake up calls!

We thought we lived pretty healthy lives: reasonable diets, moderate exercise, take herbs and vitamins, get enough sleep, use environmentally friendly products, etc. We weren't radical or anything, but read and researched a lot of issues before making decisions. We're not really part of the "consumer" generation - we shop Goodwill (or Bon Volet as we call it) for pre-owned clothes, keep our cars (well-maintained) for 15 years or so, repair and maintain whenever we can (my washer is over 35 years old). We shop at the local farm markets for produce in season. We cook and eat at home most of the time. And because we both need to lose some extra pounds (and the H-man had a tiny gout episode in the spring) we had made even more changes several months ago to avoid / reduce / eliminate certain foods like red meat and sugar .

But I guess these cells - a slow growing neuroendocrine carcinoma - have been floating around in his body for who knows how many years. And because we are fairly well tuned into our bodies, he found it as soon as it presented the first external sign.

These past four weeks have been ones of extreme education. All the tests, doctors' visits, and lab work have consumed vast amounts of time (and to some extent resources). And while we have great confidence in the medical professionals who are treating him, and they all practice "disclosure", we need to digest the information they tell us, then read and understand more on our own. So that's what we've been doing.....

I won't deny that allopathic medicine can play a significant role in treating many diseases and medical problems. But it does not seem to go far enough. It often targets a specific symptom, rather than the whole organism, the whole body (physical, emotional and spiritual). Which is why for the most part we have relied on my training in herbalism to provide the "cures" for many of the small day to day ailments we incur (colds, flu, cuts, bruises, upset stomach, etc.) In reality, we have rarely been ill. But when we do, we listen to our bodies and pay attention to their need to purge (mucus from a cold) and rest (stay home in bed). None of this modern "I'm indispensible" crap (to be blunt) by taking a pill and going to work where it gets spread to every other person at work (thank you very much!)

Back to the point. Yes, we are doing as the doctors have recommended, and the H-man has started chemo. But as many times as we have been to the treatment center, no one has talked about any of the other factors that might play a part - like diet. This is a BIG center, yet they only have a part time dietitian with whom we can "request" an appointment. They have a pamphlet about diet - but it's all about making sure the person eats enough to keep strength up. Sure, they mention eating fruits and vegetables, but also stress meat for the protein. They never talk about any of the "bad" foods that might contribute to the cancer. This just seems so wrong!

O.K. I am not a dietitian, and of course, for every "fact" I can find about a specific topic, I usually find "facts" to refute it. That just makes wading through all the research more time consuming to determine the underlying truths. I really wish there was a place I could find all the information I need neatly laid out so I could just "do" it - follow the advice and be done with it. But of course, it can never be that simple. Maybe it's out there somewhere and I just haven't found it yet. I'll keep looking.

In the meantime, I'll track what I find here and the things we're doing to make a difference!

Post Holiday Report Card

Well, the weather didn't really cooperate but I did (6) go to lunch with a friend;(7) scanned more vintage images, and (8) took a play day with HK. I've decided to cheat on (2); I ordered a dress from a special catalog sale - half price - black sleeveless sheath (comes with a short sleeve button front jacket/blouse which I can wear for work) and the sheath looks great with the hat, handbag and shrug. So now I'm almost ready for the wedding - just need to craft a vintage wedding card.

Also did a lot of work in the studio (4) since that was indoor work (cool and dry on hot, humid and rainy days). Took a couple loads of donations off to the craft place (supports the local senior council) and some things, including 4 bags of clothes off to Goodwill. HK and I did do a little shopping at our favorite place, Bon Voile! (Goodwill) and came home with 2 bags of nice fall business attire for less than $50. Such a deal!

The Studio is coming along. I still get overwhelmed by the decisions I need to make to divest myself of stuff. Things I'd forgotten I had but still struggle to give away once I uncover them. Why is this????

And of course, I am back in the office, dealing with the usual - and that nice feeling of relaxation I had on vacation has all but evaporated. But I am still gainfully employed at the moment, and that counts for a lot!

I'm On Holiday!

I'll be out of the office for the next couple of days, enjoying a well deserved break. Another hellish week as we uncover the names of more long time co-workers who have lost their jobs, and face more rumors of outsourcing, including the possibility of my job, by the end of the year. I try really hard not to worry about it because it is out of my control. Although this downsizing is rarely about an individual's performance - good or bad - I still do my best to work hard, stay focused and not let myself fall into that trap of goofing off that so many are tempted into when the depression of layoffs hit them. Some rumors are just that and never come to pass.

Of course the list of things I want to accomplish on my days off is probably far greater than the amount of time I'll have to spend. I need to (1) finish hemming the shrug; (2) cut out and sew the dress for the wedding; (3) sew the shoulder seams on the sashes; (4) do some more organization/clean-up in the art studio; (5) paint the garage floor; (6) meet a friend/former co-worker for lunch; (7) scan some more of my vintage images; and (8) take one day off and "play" with HK. I think I'll pack up a picnic and visit a state park with scenic views and waterfalls. Mid week we can get in free (Golden Park pass) and it shouldn't be too crowded.

I'm just gonna take each day as it comes!

What a busy weekend. Friday we spent all afternoon crafting our badges and sashes. My committee was certainly willing, but I've learned to let go of any idea close to perfection. Even simple jobs like cutting around a shape seem to go awry and circles end up looking like blobs from outer space. But it's the thought that counts, right? Either that, or I (re)do them all myself.

Saturday we went to the local farmer's market for fresh produce, and I spent the morning preparing food for a picnic we attended all afternoon. Needless to say, not much else was accomplished.

I did manage to fit in a few minutes to hot glue the new black ribbon band on and the golden yellow silk flowers to the hat I am wearing to the wedding. The big decision is now whether to wear them in the front or the back - it looks great either way. I decided to wait until the rest of the outfit is complete to decide. I trimmed the ends of the black ribbon to points and left them hanging over the brim - which is fine for the flowers in the rear. However, If I turn them to the front, the black ends need to be trimmed off or tucked in. I'll post a photo soon.

Sunday we had other commitments, and a rainy, cold day left me very drowsy. After a nap, I did manage about an hour or two in my art studio laboring at the slowly progressing organization tasks.