Starting Over

Life has certainly changed for me in the last couple of years. Losing my step son, my best girlfriend, my husband and my job in relatively short order has changed my perspective. I've been in "hibernation" mode (mentally) pretty much for the last two years,and have just begun to awaken. Time to start something new, to do something new.The seed that has lain dormant, almost dead, has finally been touched by a shaft of sunlight, the faintest bit of warmth, and the beginnings of some roots are starting to emerge from the core. Big plans. Can I follow through? Hope so! Tis the holiday season, and I can't say that I have a whole lot of spirit, but I am coping. Last night out to dinner with my sister and another couple, then on to the city symphony for a night of holiday favorites including vocals by a NYC soprano and a special choral group. Today it was the 4th Sunday series (yes I know, it's really the 3rd Sunday of December!) and again, a dozen acapella singers performing in a city church. This cathedral is downright amazing, tucked away in the old, very run down poor section of the city. It has stained glass windows that were originally on display at a turn of the century Chicago World's Fair (now quite priceless), soaring vaulted ceilings with fabulous acoustics, hard narrow wooden pews that ensure wakefulness, and beautifully gold gilt altars and statuary. Even a non-churchy person like myself can appreciate the beauty and peacefulness of this sanctuary. The cathedral does a historical tour on the second Sunday of the month, and one of these days BFF and I will manage to get there for that. Went food shopping this morning. Still making plans to begin the Whole 30 with the new year and reading a LOT of food labels in the process. I know new year's resolutions are so cliche, but with all the holiday parties and events, it was too much to figure out what I could eat and what I couldn't eat before the end of the year. January is so much quieter; usually cold and dark and snowy, and we stay in and act like bears whenever possible. Along with the cleaning up my diet plans, I've been looking at some other blogs about cleaning up the house, clearing the clutter and living more simply - all goals of mine on which progress has halted since losing DH. I guess I'm ready to start building a new life for myself, and it first begins with getting rid of the excess. I have a vision of how I want things to be; it's really a matter of taking things a little at a time until eventually I can turn around and see that I've actually made some progress. First on the list is getting ready for Thursday and Friday. And since I have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - that only leaves evenings. Went looking for my tree today in the cave of the basement, but it appears to be hidden away somewhere. Hmmmm. I did finally shut off the water to the outside faucet today while I was down there - that's been on my list for awhile. It's early evening yet. I may take some dinner upstairs to the TV room and watch our most favorite holiday movie called "The Christmas Card". I know it will make me cry to watch it without DH by my side, but things are kind of messy in there, and I was thinking that I could distract myself by cleaning up the mess. That ought to serve as enough of a distraction. I suppose I should tell you I have only watched perhaps one or two movies in the two plus years since DH has been gone. That room holds so many memories, and I can feel his presence very potently. I know it is time to start moving on. I began when I got rid of DH's lounge chair last week (gave it to a newly divorced neighbor). I've been searching for tall bookshelves to hold my DVD and BOCD collections, trying to decide if I can (or should) repurpose some from another area of the house, or buy new ones. There are more objects to be removed (permanently) from the room: an old TV, some old video equipment, a couple of guitars, some other furniture. Then I can paint the ceiling and walls, rearrange the remaining furniture and enjoy. Hopefully the new decorating will help to purge some of the memories and I can reclaim the space for reading, sewing and entertainment. That is my January project! Hunger is calling me to the kitchen now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.